It comes in waves and hits me like a ton of bricks. I'll be fine and the burst into tears. I hear this is just part of the process. It's not that my faith is shaken, it's just that my human heart is hurting. So sometimes I just wrap my tear stained hands around my stomach and hold him the only way I can.
Right now I can't listen to much music or talk for too long without a lump forming in my throat and my eyes filling with tears, so forgive me if I seem short or I don't respond to you right away.
Writing helps. Just getting it off my chest and into words is therapeutic. The funny thing is , I don't really know how I feel.
Today my struggle is my makeup. I want to put it on because it makes me feel good. It's fun. It lifts my spirits. I'm battling with it though because I know the tears will come and I end up looking like a clown with a streaky face. It's humorous to me that this is the thing I worry about right now. Maybe because it's the one thing I can control and comprehend.
It's hard when Matt's at work because I just want all of us to be together right now. I just want to hold his hand and know that no matter what, we were given the strength to handle anything that comes our way. Adelynn knows something is going on so I try my best to keep things normal for her. We play and laugh and sing and for a little while I feel great, but now it's nap time and the tears have returned.
I just keep telling myself that I have to allow myself to feel. I need to let these emotions come because bottling them up doesn't do any of us any good. So for now, I write and I feel.
I know this little man is fighting for his heart to grow and I am fighting with him. The emotions, the tears, and the confusion are all part of the journey and they will only make us stronger.
So to end on a positive note, as scared as I am about our test today, I am so excited to see Caden again and I am beyond thankful that my husband will be there with me. We will lean on God and conquer as a family. I have no doubt that we will receive clean test results and that Caden's story is going to change the world.
Let's fight this my little man <3 Mommy is cheering you on.